I'm going to Say It. Self-love Is the Answer.

These past few months I’ve felt a growing hope, joy, gratitude, and ease…and also that it’s amazing to feel this way in the midst of the accelerated and challenging collective experience of the past two years.

At times I have felt dull and unmotivated, as if the New York Times was speaking right to me when Adam Grant published his piece, There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing, what he describes as a dulling of focus and motivation, a sense of stagnation and emptiness that can feel like a muddling through the days. And muddle I did.

One day somewhere in 2020 (What a blur! Even the seasons seemed like One Whole Long Run-on Never-ending Time), I noticed I’d stopped doing my daily ritual and meditation practice. The rituals had become special occasions and the meditation whenever I felt like it. I was shocked. I’d been steady and committed for years. When did this happen? Why aren’t I doing more of what feels grounding and meaningful, not less?

I didn’t push myself. I didn’t judge, just went about my days. In some ways, life looked much the same, the only sticking point being that nothing interrupted that sameness, the external pleasures and the joy of being with others permanently on hold. The languishing I’d read about, what the author posited as the predominant emotion of 2021, was making sense.

Yet, somehow in all of it, I kept writing and writing and writing. In August, I finished the draft of a book, ironically given my confession, about ritual, half stories and half guide to crafting genuine and mindful ceremony, alone, with others, and for the benefit of the planet.

Apparently I wrote through to the other side of languishing (see NYT follow up piece The Other Side of Languishing is Flourishing). My ritual practice deepened and my daily meditation resumed, as did my hope, joy, gratitude and ease. I wondered, Maybe those lulls we have are our teachers. Maybe life’s troughs are just as necessary to our growth as the peaks.

I still feel that blah sometimes. My familiar friends, lack of focus and lack of motivation, sit down with me often. But now, from the position of both looking back and being, like it or not, still in this weird, enlightening collective experience, I no longer see flourishing and languishing as opposites. I think they are indicative of the paradox of life, the way suffering and joy coexist.

So, instead of measuring and fixing the languishing/ flourishing experience, I’m going to re-remember what writing through a pandemic taught me: keep going, and love yourself through all of it. Because, here's the thing: The salve for the hard times and the sparkle for the good times is rooted in the same place: Within You. That's right, inside the beautiful, glorious You and me and all of us is the source of all love and power. And we long for this pure love, this connection to self. Believing that we are loved and lovable, that it's inherent, built-in, not achieved, never lost, present right now just as we are....this is self-love, and it's the answer.

Witness you. Honor you. Love you. Then love you some more.

So Much To Celebrate

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ZenShi celebrates 7 years. The first day of summer arrives. Juneteenth emancipation celebration becomes a federal holiday. Many of us experience more freedom, friends, hugs, outings, haircuts, and dental cleanings. Cherries fruit on trees. Somehow, no matter what’s happening, there’s always a moon. We celebrate. And we love.

A Collective Gratitude

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Wherever you are, in whatever experience you're having at this time of great global change, are you witnessing the flowers, early morning birds, streaks of color cast across an evening sky? Some of us are noticing even more...because we find ourselves pausing, gazing, daydreaming, looking both outward and inward with new, sharper senses. And some have no time to look up because they are literally tasked with saving the rest of us, and we all collectively embrace and thank you. 

Have you had the experience of being more thankful than ever, a surge of gratitude? I made a list the other day of The Lasts--last movie in public (Little Women), last restaurant I ate in (Pho An), last hug (my cat, Ruby), last concert (Cat Power), last road trip (California), and so on. And what I found was not grief, rather incredible, powerful waves of gratitude. I believe this is happening for many of us, and when we're in a new phase and can once again sit next to a stranger on a park bench and smile, hug with abandon, and celebrate our ceremonies, it will bring us to a new level of conscious awareness, thankful as never before. 

You might take a moment and explore: What are you thankful for right now? What do you miss and what have you gained? What has surprised you, was unexpected? What are five things that give you hope?

In a Difficult Time I'm betting on Love (and Sandhill Cranes)

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I'm somewhat at a loss for how to write about what's happening right now, as the experiences and emotions are so many, and the moment in time so epic. I touch that collective pain, feel grief, and then take a walk and am astounded by, just yesterday, dozens of sandhill cranes, red-winged blackbirds, and geese. Such beauty and mystery, how to understand this? So I turned to the masterful poet, Mary Oliver and found this poem.

WE SHAKE WITH JOY

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two

housed as they are in the same body.

Below you'll find two ideas for helping us in this difficult time. One is a grounding technique to help us feel centered and present, able to access our own clarity and higher consciousness. The second is a ceremony that can be done collectively while apart, as is the case for us all across the globe right now. Using candlelight and intention, we unite and share our common desire for healing.

Sending love and light to you all, and feeling so much hope as we come together all over the world. The music-making and singing on the balconies of Italy just one beautiful example of what we can create.

Grounding Technique

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"Grounding" is a practice that centers us by bringing our focus to the present moment through breath and awareness of our physical body. When we're not grounded we may feel scattered, distracted, lost, anxious, overwhelmed with mind chatter, lacking clarity, and disconnected from the body as well as nature. There are many ways to promote a grounded state--walking in nature, gardening, and meditating to name a few. But grounding is also a state of being that is cultivated with breath and awareness. Below is a practice I wrote that can help (the short version;-) 

Begin in a sitting posture, easy, balanced and erect but not rigid, feet on the ground (or stand if you prefer). Gather your focus and feel yourself fully arrive in your body, in the moment. Take your time. Note body sensations and any places of tension or softness. Feel the sensation of your body making contact with your seat and the ground, and note each touch point. Become aware of all that’s around you, sounds and smells. Now bring your awareness to your breath. At your normal pace, breathe in and out, nice and easy. As you continue breathing, note the sensations in your body such as the opening of the chest, raising of shoulders and flaring of nostrils. You may want to deepen and lengthen the in/out breath. As you continue to breathe, be aware of your breath entering and leaving your body, possibly even noting in your mind “in” and “out” to quiet the mind and help you focus. 

Next, engage your imagination. In your mind, see your feet sinking into the dirt, into earth, extending downward with roots like that of a tree. You might sense the texture, color, and temperature of the soil. Allow the root to extend downward as far as it wants to go, reaching the core of the earth. Feel yourself anchored and safe, resting in the stillness of this deep connection. Pause here, letting yourself sink in a little more, while continuing to breathe with awareness. Allow yourself to experience the sensation of being a conduit of energy between the cosmos and the earth, just as a tree. 

For more calming and meditation practices and also soothing music, check out Insight Timer

Collective Light Ceremony

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Designed to bring people together while respecting social distancing, we gather our loved ones, neighbors, and strangers alike for this ceremony of light. Keep it simple--everyone (in their own homes or spaces) lights a candle at the same designated hour holding a collective, shared intention, such as for healing and peace. Or add some other aspects along with the candle lighting like a song you'll all sing following the lighting, or a chant, prayer, saying, or poem. This type of ceremony can help remind us that we're never alone and there's power in coming together to create a new way of being. We can unite in shared compassion and love. 

Are You There For Me?

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I have a post-it note that has traveled from notebook to notebook for years, when I finish one and start another, so the note moves. It’s a reminder of what I want and need in relationships and who I want to be for others.

Relationships can be complicated and varied: friendships, family, mates, children, and many more. So it’s pretty amazing that author and psychologist Dr. Susan Johnson came up with the simple yet profound acronym ARE to use as a basis for deep connection in our relationships.

ARE stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement and is associated with the question, Are you there for me? When the three areas are present and balanced, emotional connection is possible and affirmative. Intended to apply to intimate and bonded relationships, ARE goes like this:

A- Accessibility

Are you accessible to me? Can I reach you if I need to? Do I and my feelings matter to you?

R-Responsiveness

Will you respond to me? Will you respond to my needs? Do I matter to you enough that you’ll put me first when it really counts?

E-Engagement

Will you give me attention? Will you tune into me and stay close?

Connection is central to our most basic survival needs. At the core, we all need to feel safe and secure in our connection with others. Dr. Johnson says it boils down to “the fundamental story of our lives--we all need someone to really see us, to hear us, and to be there for us when it really matters.” Thus it’s not the content of a conflict but rather the strength and responsiveness of the attachment that’s key to the health and growth of the relationship. In essence, we're all asking each other, Are You There For Me? and we each have the opportunity to be available and engaged in order to be emotionally, deeply connected.   

(Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash)

One Breath: A Thought on Death

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It’s just one breath. This is what Sharon Salzberg says in her gentle, inviting voice, as instruction on meditation breathing. The breath in and the breath out are just one breath, not two separate actions, but parts of the same cycle. This is what was coming to me last week when I learned a friend had died.

As I thought about her, and her loved ones in grief, I had two moments arise. The first moment: when death is a tragedy, a sadness and a loss. Even a cruelty, an unfairness. The way it takes and leaves an absence. The way it does so without our control. And the second moment: when I remember what I believe about death—that there is no death, it just feels like it. 

In the work that I do, and because it’s natural for me, I experience what’s considered non-ordinary reality, or the unseen world. So in the deepest part of my bones, I believe all that exists is in existence, nothing created nor destroyed, shifting consciousness or vibration or shape maybe, but always here and now. 

Also, we humans feel, that’s the joy of being human. Our ability to experience passion, pleasure, and love is as much our human experience as pain. Pain, our own and the collective, asks to be witnessed. When we grieve and honor the dead, we connect to all those who went before us, we connect to ourselves and our own passing, and to the natural cycle that is life. 

I sent Reiki to my friend, like a big hug of light and love, and I asked my guides to work with hers for a complete and peaceful passing. But first I sat on the couch, breathing. In, out. In, out. Feeling my breath like one loop. One cycle. This moment. This life. My birth and death. Yours too. It’s all one breath.

Thoughts As We Begin

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The world is big. Really big. And really wonderful.
When the mind opens, so does the heart.
There's no limit to expansion.
Thoughts and beliefs can change. 
The thing you like least about yourself is your greatest strength.
You and I are far, far more powerful than we know. We are loved just as we are.
The most intimate and most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. 
That dream, that desire that you can't shake. No matter how you talk yourself out of it, numb it, or distract from it. No matter how unreasonable it seems or sounds. That thing is calling you and it's calling you back to yourself. 
Whatever pain you're feeling, whatever suffering you experience, it will change. Because everything changes, rest assured that grief is also impermanent. 
All we have is right now. All we have is this moment. 
The great thing about Right Now is that we can always begin again. 
The point of it all is Joy.

The Naked Truth

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The truth is, life is uncomfortable. Maybe not all the time, but for some, it's constant. The paradox is life is filled with beauty, joy and pain. It is everything all together, all at once.

Author and teacher Gangaji has studied and practiced meditation, healing, and spiritual practice for decades. After many years, she realized she still felt discomfort, like something was unfinished and her search for truth remained. This was a surprise, that it didn't go away. “I wanted the uncomfortable feeling in my chest to be cured by all that I knew and practiced.”

Finally, after opening to what she calls the most naked truth, she says, “...I was aware of longing for what I could not even name.” She writes in Hidden Treasure that she eventually found a place of fulfillment and stillness that endures by accepting with certainty “that who I am includes all,” so that the states of her experience, negative and positive, grief and joy, no longer dislodge this awareness.

Gangaji found freedom in surrender, accepting the full spectrum of the experience without attaching to one state or another. She is not her grief; she is not her joy. She's all of it (and some might say, none of it) all at the same time.

We naturally want to attach to positive emotional states, the things we like and want like love and contentment, and push away what we don't like. But when we resist negative states, it creates a great deal of suffering and confusion. The chase is on—running away from the bad stuff and always in search of the good. When this is the life, when do we arrive? Is it possible to live happy, peaceful and fulfilled lives in a state of half resistance, half acceptance?

Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh offers another way to think about this. He says, “We don't have to destroy suffering in order to have happiness.”

In other words, acknowledging suffering doesn't require seeing everything as suffering or identifying with it. It also means we don't run from it and we take steps to transform it. Only by acknowledging suffering, not resisting it, may it be transformed.

Beyond Divination

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It's human nature to wonder why something happened, how to get what we want, and how to avoid something bad from happening in the future. So, we search out answers. Some of us use divination tools like prayer, ritual, palm reading, astrology, dreams, tarot, psychics, numerology, and I-Ching to find out more. But once we have the insight, what do we do with it?

The point of divination is to reveal and understand hidden meaning, symbols and lessons arising from life events, sometimes to foretell the future or gain insight about the past. In some cases, bringing insight into awareness is enough, and can help navigate life or make changes in one's direction. Many times though we're using divination tools for a quick fix and not actually exploring deeper into the unconscious where profound healing takes place. Even if the information we receive is accurate, it can remain elusive or ineffective if we don't know how to use it to realize our innate gifts and fulfill our life purpose.

Beyond divination, there's a need for clearing old patterns and integrating the unconscious, and this requires thorough, gentle and skilled methods. Because so much of our emotional schemas, attachment style, and patterning is rooted in early development, the Inner Child Process is one of the most incredibly powerful and effective practices. Wounds remain with us unconsciously and by accessing, acknowledging and dialoguing with the inner child, healing can begin.

I continue to do the Inner Child work for myself and clients, but what sets my work apart from most therapists and practitioners is that I use the process in addition to E.F.T/Tapping. The Inner Child Process is an exploration and brings needed awareness, but that's only part of the healing. For wholeness and balance we need to clear old patterns of beliefs and behaviors, integrate the psyche, and reset the neurological system, and this is what E.F.T/Tapping is designed to do.

For April, I'm featuring a unique one-hour session that combines outcomes of awareness, clearing, healing and integration through the Inner Child Process and E.F.T./Tapping at a special rate of seventy five dollars. Book by Sunday, April 8 for a bonus thirty minutes to explore the Magical Child, a positive and fun process to close the session and connect you to your expression of the true self, that playful guide who represents your wholeness.

We are creative and conscious beings who naturally want both expansion and survival—and we want to know how to achieve that. Anything can be a useful divining tool when we consider that we exist with and within a constantly communicating inner and outer world. But to change unconscious patterns in the mind-body, we need to clear the core beliefs attached to those patterns and integrate the unconscious to achieve balance.

We The Healers

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Do you believe you're here for a reason? That you have a specific, unique, only-in-this-time-and-place-right-now purpose and gift? This is an ancient belief that endures today—that we each possess an energetic signature that will never be duplicated and we are here to grow into form the seed we were born to share.

How would it change how we live and die if we believed that both are deliberate and meaningful, even necessary to all of existence?

One of the biggest shifts that would happen: we'd know and believe that we have power, and more specifically the power to heal and offer healing to others. In Reiki and other practices, a central tenet is that the patient is the healer; the practitioner's role is to assist in their healing. We are taught to channel and feel the energy but steer clear of the ego's desire to control it. The entire process is built on recognition and honor of the healer within each person.

If we are our own healers, and also capable of offering healing to each other, why don't we do it more? Most of us are not encouraged to turn first to inner wisdom and sacred connections for our own healing and that of the world. Further, we've been taught there's little we can do to help others or assist the collective problems we face. This is a fallacy, and a dangerous one in which we might give away our power to others deemed more capable or trained.

When we believe that we don't have the capacity to offer healing to others, they miss out on the gift we have to share, and the world misses the opportunity to have more light and love spread. But if we can step into our power, be deliberate and intentional with our offering, for others and ourselves, we benefit all. We foster connection, compassion, and a sense of meaning and purpose.

Whatever we offer—meditation, breath, ritual, prayer, hands-on healing or other expressions—it is our approach and intent that is important. Offering healing from a heartspace of love, for the highest and greatest good, is powerful.

We need to reclaim our power, our unique gifts, our limitless healing capacity and our natural birthright to experience joy and wholeness. Can you imagine the impact within our own lives, communities, and the world if we did so?

Here's what I'm imagining for all of us: We meet each other with love, recognizing “the healer in me meets the healer in you,” able to receive care and healing without giving away our sense of capacity and power, able to offer healing and compassion to others from a place of wholeness.

Does this resonate with you? Below I've got a Peace Offering Breathing Practice for you to try. I'm also teaching a hands-on energy healing class where you can learn to sense, scan, clear and ground your own energy field and also learn simple techniques for energy healing. This is a small, welcoming, no-pressure class. More details and registration here.

Peace Offering Breathing Practice

  1. Seated, standing or walking, allow your focus to gently rest on your breath.

  2. Allow your breath to bring you into the present moment, feel the sensation of the breath.

  3. With your inhale, breathe in healing light energy. You may imagine light descending from the cosmic source above you, washing over you and filling up your body. You may intend or softly think, breathing in universal life force energy.

  4. With your exhale, breathe out healing light energy to all of existence. You may imagine enveloping and filling up the world or universe with healing light. You may intend or softly think, breathing out peace to all of the world.

(photo by Roman Kraft)

Finding Our Way in Dark Times

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Over the past year, we've witnessed and experienced difficult times. There have been numerous climate change related natural disasters; political and national division; racism, homophobia, misogyny, and sexism; a watershed of sexual harassment and sexual abuse; income and housing insecurity; and recent changes to our healthcare system that could leave many without the care they need. Some would say that we're living through a dark time.

When we experience dark times, in our own lives and in the world, what can we do?

Renowned storyteller, author and scholar, Michael Meade writes about the purpose and meaning of dark times in his book, Why the World Doesn't End. Meade tells a story of the old way when the wise ones welcomed the dark times because it meant existence was continuing and re-creating, for without darkness, there would be no light and life would cease. When things fall apart, they say, renewal is happening.

In the midst of the darkness, many of us feel paralyzed and overwhelmed, feeling that we have no control, agency or role in it's transformation. It's messy stuff. We might want positive change, even believe it's possible, and at the same time feel disillusioned, disheartened, and angry. A wave of emotions can come up that are seemingly contradictory and out of character; in the chaos we might be tested at our very core.

Meade says, “When the world becomes darker the inner light of the soul becomes more important; when even nature seems about to unravel the inner pattern, the thread of meaning can be the only way to feel woven into life and bound for some valuable purpose that can assist the world in distress.”

How do we touch the inner light and find the thread of meaning woven into life?

Within each of us is the source of limitless love, an energy that is infinite and powerful. One practice for cultivating love and opening to its healing power is Lovingkindness Meditation. This traditional practice, called Metta, an ancient Buddhist term that means “lovingkindness,” dates back 2,600 years and is practiced all over the world. Of Metta, Sharon Salzberg, well known author and meditation teacher, says, “Love exists in itself, not relying on owning or being owned. Like the pearl, love can only buy itself, because love is not a matter of currency or exchange. No one has enough to buy it but everyone has enough to cultivate it. Metta reunites us with what it means to be alive and unbound.”

Lovingkindness Meditation is an offering of self-love and peace to the inner spirit. We practice it to become more centered, more rooted, and more able to sustain life. We do it for others to recognize our interconnectedness, which can be freeing for us to experience that we're part of the whole. We also spread lovingkindness to experience the vastness of life and our place in it. It's not so much a particular action as it is a heart space and generosity of spirit.

Lovingkindness Meditation is directed to yourself and to others, repeating phrases several times for each. The basic sequence begins with giving lovingkindness to yourself and ends with lovingkindness for all beings/all existence. In between these two bookends, you may choose one or more of the following: 1) a benefactor (someone who has helped you, makes you smile, embodies a force of life for you, may or may not have even met), 2) a neutral person (someone you feel no liking or disliking toward), 3) a successful friend, 4) a struggling friend, and 5) a difficult person.

This is a basic script you can try for the Lovingkindness Meditation phrases, and repeat them several times for yourself, move on to another person and repeat, and so on until you end with “all beings.”

May (I/You) Be Happy; May (I/You) Be Healthy; May (I/You) Be Safe; May (I/You) Live with Ease.

You can change the phrases, like May You Have Peace in place of May You Be Safe, but decide before you begin the meditation and try to stick to it for yourself and others. Also, whoever you decide on (or whoever spontaneously pops up) for benefactor, neutral person, friend, etc., try to stick with that person as you repeat the phrasing. Try not to get distracted by choosing “the right person;” you don't have to like the person or feel a certain way in the meditation. If you get distracted, return to meditating on yourself (May I Be...).

Lovingkindness Meditation can be a tool for healing, especially during dark times when we're feeling paralyzed or overwhelmed. Allowing ourselves to be in a heart space, connected to ourselves and others reminds us that we are deeply rooted. It gives us a sense of the vastness and infinite nature of life. In it we can be reminded that there have always been dark times, and that shadow is made by the light.

We are also reminded that although it may be dark, we are here on purpose, living through a unique time and have within us a unique soul seed taking bloom in the here and now. This can be our opening and our expansion. “In the end,” Meade says, “humans don't have to save the whole world as much as become more able to imagine the wholeness of life and the renewal of the cosmos.”

The Power of Ritual

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I've been doing New Year's rituals for years. I like the marking of time and the reflection offered by doing rituals during the transition to a new year. There's a natural urge for deliberate letting go of things and intentional calling in of desires and clarity. For me, rituals are a connection to myself and others, and acts as a container for making sense of life. I believe ritual allows us to transcend the ordinary and mundane to a sacred or special experience.

I don't focus on goals or resolutions; the goals will come later, naturally in the process. The new year ritual is a time to get heart and soul connected, to get into the space of imagination and create what I want. Starting with the heart assures that we're aligned with our true self and higher being. There's nothing wrong with goals, but when we make that our starting place, it's often preceded by a "should," fueled by fear, shame or guilt (which is why so many are short-lived).

So, this year like most, I'll pack in quite a few rituals. I'll write lists that get kept and others that get burned. Do a faery card reading and an ancestral ritual using ash and water offerings. And because I've been doing a much longer range reflection lately, I'll be adding a new ritual this year: writing a letter to my twenty-something self who had dreams and ideals for a future that didn't transpire. This is a letter I'll write and then burn to set free. It's not something that needs re-read or analyzed. It will allow me to take the time to grieve for what never was, in order to fully open the door for all that is and will be. In contrast, my 21-year-old niece told me she'll be writing a letter to her future self that she says she'll keep and read at an appointed time later. That's the power of ritual--allowing it to be a personal and unique expression to sift through our own story and its meaning, to ascertain just what it is we are seeking in the enactment, and ultimately in the next story we desire to live.