Are You There For Me?

I have a post-it note that has traveled from notebook to notebook for years, when I finish one and start another, so the note moves. It’s a reminder of what I want and need in relationships and who I want to be for others.

Relationships can be complicated and varied: friendships, family, mates, children, and many more. So it’s pretty amazing that author and psychologist Dr. Susan Johnson came up with the simple yet profound acronym ARE to use as a basis for deep connection in our relationships.

ARE stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement and is associated with the question, Are you there for me? When the three areas are present and balanced, emotional connection is possible and affirmative. Intended to apply to intimate and bonded relationships, ARE goes like this:

A- Accessibility

Are you accessible to me? Can I reach you if I need to? Do I and my feelings matter to you?

R-Responsiveness

Will you respond to me? Will you respond to my needs? Do I matter to you enough that you’ll put me first when it really counts?

E-Engagement

Will you give me attention? Will you tune into me and stay close?

Connection is central to our most basic survival needs. At the core, we all need to feel safe and secure in our connection with others. Dr. Johnson says it boils down to “the fundamental story of our lives--we all need someone to really see us, to hear us, and to be there for us when it really matters.” Thus it’s not the content of a conflict but rather the strength and responsiveness of the attachment that’s key to the health and growth of the relationship. In essence, we're all asking each other, Are You There For Me? and we each have the opportunity to be available and engaged in order to be emotionally, deeply connected.   

(Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash)